I just finished SNW s2e2. It is titled Ad Astra per Aspera—to the stars through hardship— coming from pre-federation StarFleet motto.

I am very used to seeing black civil rights lawyers win cases in American court dramas. I felt deeply touched by Una Chin-Riley’s testimony regarding the degradation of her life and civil liberty living in a federation planets when citizens took liberties with a minority race when the letter of the law discriminates against them. She couldn’t go to hospital from broken leg…

I feel like I’m not a genetically modified person in a world where genetically modified person is not allowed. My race has not experienced persistent, in person, racially based attacks as much as several other races. But her fear of going to a doctor’s office … or even her experience of not being served in a store… I mean, I feel like I have not exactly been refused service in a store. And I have not exactly suffered a disease/injury that I could not get treated .

But if I am honest, I definitely have, until recent years, always felt the fear of visiting Dr. Office—its always “that’s completely normal”. I definitely have thought about never visiting a certain Whole Foods or some tobacco shop or several car garages, some preschools,… Because I felt like I was essentially refused service. Oh, and of course there’s that first round software engineering interview I failed at Palantir after studying CS at CMU and working in the industry for more than a decade… due to, literally stated to me, “lack of fit”.

But I am not Illyrian, or African-American, nor Jewish, nor Ukrainian, nor Uyghur, nor Muslim, nor Christian……..

Are my perceptions and interpretations of my experiences valid? Are they real? Or am I impersonating one of these other races pr groups in my mind to cover the real fallacy of me?

Sure, Star Trek SNW is trying very hard to lead us onward, give us that aspiration to make this functional Federation of diversity. And sure, it is really awesome that it is starting to work out for the Illyrian.

But I am neither and nor. Who am I? What am I? Where am I going?

An awesome episode of Star Trek stirs deep deep dark dark mantle of me. $FAMx0.5$ It deserves to be watched again and savored, for it taps so deep… so so so very deep into the soul of it all…

I have somewhat renewed my faith in that whole “fighting for what’s right” thing. In my American-media-influenced youth, I definitely felt that spirit of fighting for “that which is right—equality with rights and freedom” a little bit renewed…

I need to stop reading real world news to make this all more interesting. Since I knew Una’s a main character and signed on for the seasons I knew she’d win…. Since I knew the episodes, I kinda knew pike wouldn’t be de-captained… the suspense, the fear, the anxiety, is lacking. Although it does express a certain degree of confidence—that things always workout for the Federation, perhaps unsaid, because of its righteousness. Back in the days of yesteryear, I googled for what happened when a character died or moved on… after I experienced the loss from the show… ugh now I am complaining. Am I a real Trekkie? Do I really support these ideals?

Man. I feel so fake.

I feel so fake for complaining that Una Chin-Riley sounds like a descendent of an Asian, but she couldn’t be a proper Asian, since 😭Asian names like Chang are reserved for Klingons. 🤮

I shouldn’t really complain. A star fleet officer would have to look beyond these and perform his duties for the greater good… no matter what the name.

I am no star fleet officer, or any thing, nothing nothing I am nothing!!!

I recently realized that the fact Chinese-Americans (any and all of us from various original locations in the world) have trouble dealing with the disparagement of anything “Chinese” might be because we really cannot separate ourselves from that concept.

While shopping for stuff from the Peoples Republic of China (Alibaba) I requested the word China be printed on the products. I was met with significant resistance. It would appear that the nation-state of Peoples Republic of China considers the word “China” it’s own trademark. One cannot besmirch the mark in its presence. In fact, I am not even allowed to associate with it. I cannot use the word “China” or “Chinese” in the engraving of items I purchase.

Chinese people probably have some builtin cultural barrier that regards “Chinese” as a highly treasured culture mark. We associate it because it (effectively) means civility, might, affluence and nobility. Indeed for much of Chinese history this might have been factually true. Just that in recent centuries we have fallen in these considerations.

Consequently, it is very challenging for a Chinese person (of any sorts) to stand up in broad daylight and say out loud: “I am not Chinese and I am not China.” We cannot imagine “We the people of XXX…” where XXX is not “China” or a notable subset of “China”. Even as I write this, the most I can consider is to refer to myself as Chinese-American. I am not just American and certainly I am NOT not Chinese.

(Case in point, Taiwan, is still China, according to their official doctrine, and NOT an independent entity that broke away from Peoples Republic of China. My opinion has been, like many around me, that Taiwan really oughta do it for real, be America and declare independence. Then win back China if it wants to, by peaceful means if possible. Or just live merrily in the bliss of freedom as Americans do. Why be Chinese at all?)

The political and emotional consequence is that we continue to suffer (reasonably or not) for actions of an entity that we neither control nor influence. We are taxed (punished) by a nation with no representation and participation from us.

I have not done it. I am not free for China, perhaps I never will be.

But this distinct connection needs to be recognized when we consider the plight of Chinese-American in America. While we are free and bound as Americans, we seem to nonetheless be bound as Chinese as well. As much as we are hated for it, we are still all indelibly Chinese!