It’s an Open Relationship

Here is my canned answer to all recruiter emails on linked in or email:

Hi, thank you for the kind message. My name, when spelled correctly appears as “Huan Chang” in English. I have NOT read your message yet. But I will say the following: I am not moving to Seattle or NYC, Bangalore, Beijing, Hongkong, and ShenZhen. I am trying to avoid “software engineer” roles. I’m based in the San Francisco Bay Area and can entertain more advanced roles than “software engineer” or “data analyst” or “scientist” roles or any kind of “engineer”. I will only do so according to the established best practices of modern capitalism and my own consciences and interests. Not Microsoft, Uber, Yahoo, Twitter, Square, Oracle, Mongodb, Casandra, Hbase, cockroach, coutch, C++, Ruby, Haskell, caffe, Theano, please. I do not need any visa application to work because I am a naturalized American citizenship. I am almost a native English speaker of around three decades. 我的名字叫常欢、玩耍时可说中文,但不想靠这吃饭。I will not update my resume for this conversation. This is a canned message. Thank you for messaging though! I really appreciate the interest–It enthrills me to be targeted and I feel very special because of it. I thank you very gratefully if this is an response to an individualized email that you, a human, wrote or reviewed yourself. I also especially appreciate recruiters who work endlessly to make the job makers very efficient and competitive/-this activity is vital to our economy! If your respond with a few companies’ funding status, the reason why you think I should join, the role’s key skill requirements, the corresponding reasonable base salary ranges, the corresponding and maximum possible stock based compensation, the corresponding total possible package value, and links to founder exploits and profiles–when you do, you may be more likely to receive a response than your peers. If you are my current employer, you are hereby reminded that our contractual agreement does NOT state any prejudice against receiving  or entertaining solicitations of this kind. Just as I have no recourse against you, and I most seriously believe and hope, as a shareholder, that you are looking for a better replacement for me as needed, as part of being a competitive employer and an effective participant of our capitalistic competitive job market. Please do NOT plan, act or work differently in person because I responded to this or future messages! I didn’t mean to be anything but loyal, seriously! really!! all I did was look!!! I hope that’s all you are doing, and feel like doing too. I would really appreciate it!

It’s not very polite, or that effective, but I simply cannot rely to all inquiries in a timely fashion. Hopefully I can be polite, fair to my self, my conscience, the market and still make a living…

When this actually posts, we’ll know what it does to me.

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